The Post Where You Catch Me With All My Hormones Hanging Out, AKA I'll Blog Because I Don't Want To Do Any Housework Right Now

I'm an effed up bundle of hormonal messiness right now, folks. So what should I do? I should write it down and share it and then you guys can be all like praise the sweet eight pound six ounce baby Jesus of hormones, that girl is even more screwed up than I am.

I just turned forty-three. I think I look the same, but someone cranked the dial on my perimenopause. Like, if I'm an oven, I was set at 350, then my birthday hit and my body decided nah, let's crank that bitch up to 400.

Fuh realz.

Have you guys had a good cry yet today? I've sorta done some crying.

So here is this theme I've got going. There are a couple of people in my life who sort of exasperate me. Drain me, it feels, of all my superpowers. And on something of a continual basis for a period of time. I can't really be more specific than that, not that they will read this, but just, well, let's leave it at that.

So for this one person, well, the thing is that I know I need to let them go. Because you know how there is that Alcoholic's Anonymous credo (okay, duh, it's called the Serenity Prayer, I had to Google that s#$t):

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Well, I get this. Except with this one person it seems to go like this:

I already know I can't change you or your choices,
So I would like you to take my heart out of my chest,
Then step on it,
Then step on it once more,
Then throw it in the garbage,
Then I'll get it out and put it back in,
Then we'll repeat the steps above,
And then, maybe then, I will get I cannot change this situation

Which, you gotta admit, is a pretty effed way to roll, right? Right. On the bright side, I think I get it now. Maybe. I'm like 99.9999999% sure I've fished the broken pieces of my heart out of the dumpster enough times to get that I'd rather keep it in my chest and not let this person have their way with it anymore.

So there's that.

And then there's this other person. Sigh. And there are just some people with whom you have to figure out how to exist. Peacefully and sanely. And it is taking way more energy than I wish I had to put out, but it might be getting better. And it might be so that I don't toss and turn at night worrying about this person and their place in my family's life. Which is good. I look for that glimmer of hope, that ray of light, and I hold onto it tight and work with it. And I give more of myself than this person could ever deserve. Because I'm kinda like well, sometimes, you gotta sorta help someone save themselves. I mean, you can't save them. But you have to put aside hurt feelings, and old wrongs, and be like okay, let's do this.

And it's exhausting.

Especially when your hormones are ALL effed up like mine are. 

So this is when I wish I had a crystal ball. So I can see how all of this stuff is gonna turn out. But you know, I don't. And no one does, damn it all to heck.

All I know is that I have (rerun coming, this is a total rerun) the best kid, family, and friends ever. And if I'm starting there, well then, I'm pretty much cooking with a bunch of effing gas, right? Right.

If you're at a crossroads and wondering which way to go and struggling with that decision or wondering if you should hold on or let go or weeding your life of people who could be replaced with people who look more like beautiful flowers than those effing weeds that get stuck in your socks or that your cat rolls around in and then you have to pick all those mothereffers off of him, just know you're not alone. I'm right there with you. And we have each other, so there's that.

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

My new mantra, only known by two of my co-workers and now you guys, is (please imagine a drumroll):

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

If you're feeling crazy you can add "mothereffers" or "beyotches" to the end.

I am not actually Chuck Norris and you guys know I'm not a Chuck Norris fan. I like the idea of Chuck Norris as a character who is a total badass with a beard that could kick your ass.

 



photo credit: cheezburger.com

 

So this is what I'm using as an empowering mantra. Because let me tell you guys. I have felt as of late that the world is bending me over and giving me a good f#$king spanking. Sorta. Kinda. So my respons to the world is:

I'M CHUCK NORRIS!!!

I know all the words to the Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, I think I have told you guys that before. Pretty sure I have only seen the show once. It was pretty awful.

I love that Chuck Norris book, The Truth About Chuck Norris:400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human. It's in my bathroom.

I am mostly soft like a marshmallow. And squishy. And full of emotions. And I cry at the drop of a hat. And, well, this is me. But I am finding it necessary to stay in Chuck mode right now because I fear if I don't, I will be in curled up in the fetal position mode. And while I believe wholeheartedly in the idea that we must feel what we feel, we must grieve when we need to grieve, we must accept and process our feelings, I also believe in faking it until you are making it as a coping skill.

I'm coping. And I still cry. And also, I'M CHUCK NORRIS!

Please, please, please use my mantra if you need it. Spread it around. Let's just Chuck it up out there.

Creepy Ginormous Spiders and Donating Blood and Organs, Which Have Nothing to Do With Each Other

So the spider that was crawling on my bedroom wall this morning looked a little bit like this guy. In the past four years I have lived where I live with an open field behind me, I have seen like 6 or 7 of these in my house. I don't know if it's a grass or wolf spider but both are to be found in Northern California. I went wolf because this one most looks like my friend this morning. 

Genus Creepus McCreepersoneris

photo credit: www.bugs.com

To emphasize, I did not know that spiders this big ever showed up in houses until 4 years ago. I'm almost 43. The first time I saw one I think I pissed myself and had a small heart attack. I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, I want to know how much good spider karma I get because I caught him using the Red Solo cup/paper plate method and set him free in my backyard. So that possibly, his bleeping furry scary ass will just crawl back into my house.

the actual Red Solo cup and Dixie paper plate used this morning

Also earlier this week I awoke with what I am pretty sure is a spider bite on the side of my face. I am going to assume there was nothing as big as this guy on my face as that will give me a large heart attack. But even though one of his brethren bit me I still saved this sucker's life.

It occurs to me right now that I killed a spider on my dining room wall last night. He was much smaller than this guy. So maybe all I've done was cancel out that karma. I am truly in Spiderville, USA. And I see spiders all the time that I just let be. So hopefully it all balances out somehow.

Well, I know how I DID earn some good karma yesterday, I donated blood! I am not sure if I have talked about this before but what a super easy way for a lazy person to contribute to the world. Go somewhere and lay down and let them stick a needle in you and take some of your spare blood. And THEN your lazy ass might just save a life! Like, for serious!!!!

I have a blood donation center about 22 minutes away from me (no, it's not 20 minutes and it's not 25, it really is like 22 minutes away with no traffic), so it's easy for me to just make an appointment (you can do it online) and show up and yesterday I discovered that practically across the street is a delicious spot for burritos so that just like, made this an even more rewarding enterprise for me. 

I did the double donation, but I can do that because I'm large. Seriously, you have to be like at least 5'5' or 5'6" if you're a woman and weigh at least 175 lbs. Super check and major check on those. So that one takes longer but I only go 3 times a year because I do that. And it makes you a little tired and junk if you do that (well, at least it makes me a little tired, which is supposed to be normal), but it's totally worth it. But obviously doing regular donation is OUTSTANDING. Like, seriously, it's so easy. The longest part is just the set-up because they have to ask you the questions and make sure your blood is fit to give and stuff because they don't want junk ass blood.

But seriously, please consider doing this. And then you get to have all the free juice and cookies you want! I mean, if you took the basket of cookies off the table and dumped it into your purse they would probably not really like that, but you know what I mean. 

Look how happy this guy is, all thumbs-upping and whatnot. Get some of that.

photo credit: www.redcross.org

Check out all the info here.

You will seriously walk out of there feeling like a badass and a hero and junk. Seriously. One time they gave me a t-shirt! But t-shirt or not, I like that I might have helped save a life. Because really, when else am I gonna get a chance to do that? Like, never.


And oooooooooo, I almost forgot to tell you, they be LOVIN' my blood because I'm half African-American, and apparently since sickle cell is often associated with black folks and there is an increased chance of blood transfusions working when the blood is genetically similar, there is always a huge need for black folks to give up some of the red. You can read about that stuff here. Also you might find out you have a blood type that is sort of rare (I do) and then that makes them even that more super excited to see you when you show up!

While we're on the topic of saving lives, here is my PSA for donating organs. DO IT. I don't know about you, but I'm not using mine when I expire. If I have not destroyed them all with fatty foods and drunken debauchery they can have them, seriously. I don't really have to explain how amazing it would be if you saved like 5 lives if you kicked the bucket, do I? I mean look, no one wants to talk about kicking the bucket.  Because it really sucks. Were it up to me, I would live forever, continuously boring you with the randomness in my head via this blog. But it ain't fixin' to go down like that so you know, let them take the stuff they can use!! 

You can learn about all about saving lives and organ donation here.

Okay. I told you guys about my spider and blood and organs. My work here is done. Back to coffee and doing a lot of nothing. I hope you all are having a great week and collecting a bunch of good karma!

All Kinds of Random A#$ S$%t Outta My Brain

This is the fear, this is the dread, these are the contents of my head (well, it's not all fear and dread, I just wanted to use the lyrics from this song):

Knowing when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run is a good thing. Yes. Everything Kenny Rogers ever taught us in The Gambler, back in the olden days before he got plastic surgery. That chorus is pure life lesson GOLD.

Also, seriously, go watch the video and see how studly Kenny was back in the day.

I'm trying to eat more slowly and pay attention to what I'm eating, thanks to my mindful eating group which is THE BUSINESS. As in, it's so good. As in, it's the s#$t.

You can't have an argument that goes like this:

Me: But it's orange!
Them: It's the number four!
Me: I'm trying to tell you, it's orange!
Them: You're crazy. That's the number four.

Because it's one of those deals where no one can hear anyone because they're stuck on four and orange. (See first thing about walking away, à la  Kenny. I don't know how to make an accent over a letter so I had to go copy and paste that because I'm lame. Shouldn't someone who calls themselves a blogger know how to do that? I think so.)

I need to be nicer. I can't go around thinking I'm a nice person and then not act like one. Even when I'm just trying to be funny. Sometimes I'm not nice and that sucks.

It's hella nice to be nice!

photo credit: books.simonandschuster.com

I need to write more. That's something I know all the time and I can't say it enough.

I'm this close to giving up The Real Housewives of Orange County because I'm not sure the fact that I like Heather, Gretchen, and Heather's husband is enough of a reason to devote forty-two minutes each week to that show. I mean, yes, I do heart O(ther)P(eople's)D(rama), but sheesh. I'm not caught up right now but that dinner party at Tamra's new gym? What a train wreck. 

I'm about to eighty-six my cable. I threaten this all the time. But seriously. Like, maybe just keep my basic cable. I don't even know about the damn DVR anymore. It's like that with me and paying that bleeping cable bill at this juncture. I think the amount of cable I currently have should only be allowed if I have a sugar daddy or a husband and neither of these gentlemen are on the horizon.

We had a lice thing at our house. The kid caught a few nits from a friend at school. It could have been SO MUCH WORSE. We seriously lucked out because she has a shit ton of hair. What I found out is that tea tree oil, when you mix a few drops in with your shampoo, can supposedly help keep those motherfuckers away, but also tea tree oil smells like something you would use to strip paint off of walls. Just saying.

This is some strong stuff that is supposedly good for a whole bunch of stuff, Google that shit.

photo credit: blondeponytail.com

Coffee is really good. It's like, so good. I would want to break stuff if I could not have it in the morning.

Maybe this is the weekend I will REALLY clean my house. I mean, it could happen. Granted, it's 10:09 a.m. and I'm still at the computer working on my second cup of coffee and after this it's TV and exercise but yes, sure, it could happen. I might get infused with a crazy insane bolt of energy that has me flying about the place actually cleaning and not just moving stuff from one spot to another. It could happen. It also might not happen.

One of my Facebook friends just posted something about body weight exercises today. I think I'm going to see if I can do a plank. Because I'm not sure I have tried except as part of a yoga routine once, sorta, maybe. Here is Brooke Burke doing some planking, and then she gets all crazy and starts flipping around and junk and I'm like come on, let's not get crazy, but thanks for the suggestion. I have some friends doing a squat challenge and I have done a whole buttload of those recently. I love squats, that's good shit right there. And you can totally bust those out at work. Like get up, take a break, do a set of 10. Repeat later. You're welcome for the advice on getting your booty nicer on the job.

photo credit: www.wonderhowto.com

I am rocking out to Offspring on Spotify right now. This is seriously one of my most favorite songs of ever. Yup, banging my head like a boss right now. That bass line is ridiculous.

I can't believe it's May. WTF happened to April? Also in my neck of the woods it has been way to hot for May so thank goodness that weather trend is on the way out the door because it was just stupid.

Still severely lacking a budget. Sigh.

Oh yes. I need to clean my fridge, too. Damn, why don't I go crazy and actually clean off the TOP of the fridge, too? Sheesh. I just might.

I love love. Just in general.

I love to sing and I've been trying to sing more and play around with this movie making program on the computer because it's fun. Stuff like that keeps me off the street.

Having the ability to not worry about stuff that has yet to happen, at least not all the time, is a gift. I am thankful to being older, wiser, and slightly medicated.

I am very thankful to the person who decided you should take berries and freeze them and sell them. This makes me hella more likely to eat fruit instead of the thing I do where I buy fruit and let it go bad. Now to work on ways to get more of it into my kid. Yes, same old story there, gotta have her eating healthier. Period.

I recently watched Superbad. I can't believe it took me so long to watch it. One of the funniest movies ever. Granted, sometimes I think I have the sense of humor of a high school boy so you know, don't go by me. But seriously. So funny. McLovin. Oh how I love him. Check this out. Also Jonah Hill is so delightfully manic in this movie. It is funny, raunchy, outrageous, and also sweet and genuine. Cannot recommend it enough.

photo credit: boomstickcomics.com

So that's my brain. It's empty now. Thanks for letting me dump it. I'll go put some more stuff in it and check you guys soon.

The Hip Haps of the Week

You guys know I like to copy Tami over at Teacher Goes Back to School as often as I can. I'm sure she does not mind because I'm sure she loves inspiring my lazy ass to write something down. So as usual, darling Tams, one million thanks to you.

You guys can check out her Saturday Senses post here.

Here's some of the stuff from my week.

photo credit: livinglifeforward.net





Tasting... spaghetti, eaten at the table with my daughter. I could not tell you the last time we ate together at the table and I could not believe she was willing to try spaghetti. It was the most beautiful, magical plate of spaghetti ever.

Hearing... the things that come up in conversation with my beautiful girl when we are at the table free of distractions from the TV or the phone or the computer. I already knew this, but hanging with her like that reminds me of how interesting and funny and smart and fabulous she is.

Smelling... someone pass by me at Target wearing cologne that so totally reminded me of someone, in a good way. I love the connection of smells to our memories.

Seeing... insanity in the news and being really super glad my daughter is still young enough that she doesn't have to see it. I'm all for keeping my kid innocent for as long as it is feasible, possible, and logical. She will spend way more of her life aware of really bad things than not. Also seeing the City of Boston and its residents and its law enforcement being amazing.

Feeling... mindful, for the first time in just about ever, thanks to a mindful eating group I joined this week. Meditating (with my kid, no less), has been... I don't know the word to describe it. Empowering?  Enlightening? Interesting? Completely different than anything I've ever experienced before? I'm just stoked to find I can do it. Sorta. But it's only been two days for ten minutes each time and one time was a lot easier from the other but that's why they say you PRACTICE meditation, right? I'm sure my friends who practice meditation like Tams and Mamasattva would agree. Oh yes. I'm going to need a bunch more practice.





photo credit: scopeblog.stanford.edu

Wishing/hoping... for health and happiness for my kid. I mean, that's an always thing, but she's had a few things recently effect her mood and... well, I worry because she's wired like me. She's so sensitive and feels things so intensely and sometimes she needs to just RELAX. We're working on it.

What are you guys seeing feeling tasting smelling wishing doing this week? I'd love to know because I'm nosy like that and sharing is FUN!

I Feel Much Better Now

I really do. What a difference a couple of days makes. Also being on vacation for seven days starting today. Also hanging with my kid, just being lazy, starting the day cuddling in bed with the kitty. Also looking forward to a get-away in a few days with a couple of my best besties.

Also posts like this on Facebook:

photo credit: Positive Inspirational Quotes

Sometimes your friends post stuff at exactly the right time you need to see it. One of the many things I like about Facebook.

Also there is hecka stuff that makes me laugh. Like my propensity for setting cups and glasses on the edges of tables or, apparently, counters. My brother was razzing me about this and my proclivity toward klutziness last night, and then this morning I set my coffee cup down, walk away to do something, then come back and immediately take a picture to send to him because it looks like this:

Also since I joined this century last week and upgraded my phone to one of those fancy phones the kids talk about nowadays with the touchscreen-nanigans and whatnot, I was able to lay in bed and watch a little bit of Gossip Girl. ON MY PHONE. And last night the kid and I were talking about something we wanted to look up (when the new episode of Kickin' It comes on, not a show she watches all the time but she wants to see the new "Spyfall" episode [which, by the way, comes on Disney XD tonight]), and I was like oh let me send myself a message to do that and then I went, HEY WAIT A MINUTE! I can actually look that up now on my fancy phone!

Also (and this goes with the thing about being on vacation) it's 10:13 a.m. and I'm still in my jammies. And my hair is a mess. And I don't care! We might actually be having a super lazy day. Except I need to exercise because I've been nothing but gluttonous of late (see last post about getting my heart broken). Or we might go the movies today. Or maybe tomorrow. We're just like, we can do whatever we wanna do. That's pretty awesome. I rarely get days off with my kid because I work weekends so just being with her (even if it's like right now, where she is watching Littlest Pet Shop videos on YouTube and pointing out funny parts to me while I write this) is outf$%kingstanding beyond belief.

I was talking to some friends this morning and I told them what bothered me, and this is what I was trying to express in my last post, I guess, is that I like being all stiff upper lip and laughing instead of crying and stuff like that. I like that being a part of me. But lately I have been feeling like this other version of me, stuck in a sad place from which I can't crawl out. I do not like it, not one little bit. I know we need to take our time and grieve what we need to grieve. We need to feel it, not squash the feelings or anything. So maybe that's where I've been a little bit, doing a little grieving. And I'm sure my hormones gave me a helping hand.

But today, I really seriously do feel much better. I didn't want to keep that UGH post as my last thing when I'm not feeling like that right now.

I hope none of you are feeling ugh and if you do, I hope that feeling passes hecka quickly.

Might I suggest to you a Littlest Pet Shop video on YouTube? Kayla says they are great. No, seriously, you'd rather poke yourself in the eye with a rusty nail as my friend Stephy Poo would say, than watch a Littlest Pet Shop video, so I'm kidding. But I DO recommend a bunch of hugs and some funny TV or talking to a funny friend. Those are three really good things.

What DO you guys do to pull yourself out of a funk? Or what do you think about? I can always use some tips!

And another one for you is exercise, though you probably already knew that. I'm about to get some endorphin magic right now.

Ugh

Warning: This post is about crappy stuff so I use a lot of bad words. I apologize in advance for my salty sailor mouthnanigans.

March has been a bunch of ugh.

Well, Februrary had some ugh, too.

January, a little bit.

That's going back far enough in the annals of ugh.

Sometimes there is not a better word to use to describe a general state of being or a general condition of current events. Ugh.

I just looked up a definition and it is supposed to be an expression used to convey disgust or horror. It's not like that for me. It's just like, come on. Period, no explanation mark at this point because I'm too tired but sometimes an explanation mark is warranted. Come the fuck on. Enough already with one thing after another.

I've been having this thing going on in my personal life that I... I think I can only describe it as the slowest ripping off of the Band-Aid in human history, heartbreak-ararily. There's no other way to put it. Do I wish I'd known two months ago to rip that motherfucker off and let the scabbing begin? Oh fuck yes, I really really really really really really do. We live, we learn, we have faith in and invest in people who don't deserve the faith or investment. So we learn from this shit, we grow, and so on and so forth. So I'm not at that "growth" part yet, I'm still totally on that scab part. And I keep looking at it. I mean, I was totally picking at it for a while, because I mean, this is so disgusting, but who among us can resist the urge to pick a little? Okay, the ones who raised their hands on that are also the same ones who go on a diet and stick to it or who don't drunk text their exes and they probably do their homework as soon as they get it instead of waiting until the last minute. And no zit popping, either. And to those folks I say, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! No, you guys with some self-control and discipline are awesome and I hope to be like you a little bit when I grow up.

A friend I loved very much who was an extremely special part of my life passed away in February. And it was cancer and that wasn't supposed to happen. Because she was going to beat it. And my dad died from cancer four months before she did so you know, it really wasn't supposed to happen now. Not to me and to my mom who also loved this person, too, when we are still dealing with losing dad. What a bunch of fucking bullshit cancer is. Fuck cancer.

I find myself getting so sad and pissed off still that my dad is not here. That's all I can say about that right now without crying like a crybaby beyotch. If you've been there I don't have to tell you. It sucks ass.

My last ugh is having to deal with a couple few people who are just... annoying. In the scheme of things, no big deal. But on top of everything, I would like to tell them to shut the fuck up and fuck off and that goes for the horse they rode in as well. Which makes me sound mean about horses. But they are so cute and they have those big eyes so I would never be mean to them for real. But you know what I mean. People with whom you have to deal and you're just, fuck this person and shut the fuck up. Luckily, the majority of that issue is temporary so yay. I just thought I'd throw in that final ugh.

Oh, and hormones. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I just needed to get this out. If you've been dealing with a bunch of ugh hey! You're hella not alone. We're riding this ugh ship together!

Even in a post about ugh I have to say that I have way more good stuff than bad stuff in my life and for that, I'm ridiculously grateful. You guys already know because I have said it before. Best kid, mom, friends in the entire world. When you start there, you're pretty okay. Which I am, pretty okay. And going to get okay-er day by day.

Thanks for listening.