The Good, The Bad, and The Other Stuff

I was going to be all committed to posting three times each week, because I figured I have three days off and at some point during each of those days I should be able to pull something out of my a$% to put on paper, figuratively speaking. 

Hey, for those of you who write, remember when stuff like this would have been done at a typewriter? The first screenplays I ever wrote when I was a teenager were on a Brother word processor... at last I think that's what it was... Like, it was a typewriter, but fancy, because I think there was a little screen that showed what you were typing and I think you could save your work? Sheesh, I'm so senile. And I remember my white typewriter, and I would haul it with me if Mom and I went on a road trip, and I was like 20-something, sitting in a hotel room, smoking and typing, while Mom was a slot machine, smoking and dropping in nickels (remember, this was the OLDEN days). And there was that one word processor I had where I could save stuff on discs... I mean sheesh, I don't think I even had a computer until 1998 or so, and it was a hand-me-down from my bestie, Spook. Wow. Now it's so much easier to write now, technologically-speaking, and I am amazed when I think of all the writing I got done in the olden days, when I had to insert paper and back space with the white-out corrector to fix errors and holy heck. Just wow.

I have a sick baby at home with cabin fever. I love her to bits but she is driving me a little bit nuts. One of the reasons the words aren't flowing this week.

Also, it's been a heckuva a week. Starting Monday. The kind of week where certain parts of my life are turned upside down.

Here is what I have learned, and some of this stuff I already knew, of course:

I have the best friends and family in the world.
I'm sort of strong, like emotionally.
Life is not fair.
Banging your head against the wall hurts and is completely not at all useful.

And most importantly, my number one priority in life for the past six and half years is my daughter. And she will ALWAYS be my number on priority, period. Nothing is more important to me than her happiness and well-being.

So when you have a ball-busting few days, the good part is that you do see how much people love and care about you, you do see what you're capable of, and you force yourself to look at all the things that are in your life that are good and wonderful.

My coffee was too strong. Typing is a little hard because my fingers are sorta shaky. Not. Good.

Anyway, I have a lot of stuff in my life that brings me joy. I laugh. A lot. 

Curling up in a ball and crying about the s$%t that just ain't right is pretty ineffective. Though once in a while, you just need to curl up in a ball and cry about the s$%t that just ain't right. Then dry your tears and hug someone up who loves hugging on you, and then think about the joyful stuff.

So today is about making plans and being constructive. Like I'm gonna clean my house because it's a MESS. 

I'm also going to exercise. I've been with a head cold or sinus stuff, I swear, off and on for like 5 weeks. Not kidding. And it's taken the wind out of my sails a bit and made it easy for me to be lazy. Well, I need some endorphins. I need to feel STRONG, physically. I did 30 minutes of Wii yoga the other night and it was ridiculously therapeutic. And like, at the beginning I couldn't touch my toes and at the end I could, so there you go. Stretching my body out and breathing is soooooooooooooooo good for me.  I have to do it more often.

What's the point of this post? I have no clue. To let you guys know if you are having a f$%ked up week you're not alone, that could be one point. Also because writing stuff down sometimes helps my brain. Maybe someone will read this and exercise today, or do some yoga. That would be awesome. Mainly, if you are reading this, I encourage you to find some joy. Feel joyful, be joyful, spread it around. Cry if you need to, and then get all joyful if you can. 

If you need hugs, please take these cyberhugs I'm sending now. Feel that? That's for you! I hope it helped! Talking to you guys always helps me out, so thanks!

The Contents of My Head: Friday Edition

I apologize in advance because I'm just not feeling a post that I could consider an organized bunch of thoughts. So I'm just going to write about the stuff that is going on right now.

• I have entirely too many dishes to do. I do not have a dishwasher, and in my whole life outside of my parents' house (1994 to present) there were only like 4 years when I did have a dishwasher, when I owned a house in Fairfield. So no big thing, but also my faucet has been sorta broken for months now, meaning when I turn it on it makes a HORRIBLE noise and the water pressure is all jacked up so you can see how this, on top of my normal laziness, would make it that there are dishes piled up. Those things and the fact that I actually cooked some stuff so yes. A lot of dishes. And I don't want to do them but I know that's first on the list after this post.
• I missed the Endeavour flyover. Well, first of all, I'm oblivious and didn't even realize that was happening today until I saw a friend (Mamasattva) Tweet about it. And then who knows if I would have seen it from my little neck of the woods, though I did see this really big jet stream from my backyard so maybe that was it, who knows. The good thing is that I was reminded that my backyard is super duper peaceful. Chirping birds and it's all nature-y out there. Serenity NOW!
• Yesterday was a bad day to forget to take my meds. Well, any day is, but yesterday especially so.
• Today was picture day at the kid's school. First of all, my kid is beautiful. Which is great. Second of all, she tends to do this thing when she smiles where she is thinking too much. Or something. It's hard to explain but I'm all like, look, just SMILE. Like, have your eyes smile, too. She's like, like this? And I'm like well, think of something really funny. Like Paper Jam Dipper (from Gravity Falls, which is a hilarious show) or something. Still, the smile is too forced or it's not going with her eyes. I just want her to look in her pictures like she is the happy kid she is and not like she is full of all this inner turmoil but trying to smile for the camera. Because she really isn't. So hopefully I didn't do a major head job on her and when they tell her to smile she's gonna be all like, what did Mommy tell me to do? Smile with my eyes? Paper Jam Dipper? And have like a wackadoodle meltdown. Because that would suck. And then I put this cute yellow jacket on her, it's super adorable but it's basically like a casual zip-up hooded sweatshirt sort of deal, but she totally looked like SUNSHINE, with this coat and the light blue dress with white polka dots and a daisy on it with a bright yellow center. So she's like I want to wear the jacket in the picture. I'm like you should take it off. She gets all pouty. I'm like holy. Heck. In my mind, I'm thinking is there NOTHING I can say or do this morning that will actually be RIGHT??? I'm like wear the jacket if you want, but keep it open so we can see the dress. Then as I'm walking away I'm all discombobulated and it occurs to me that I didn't check her eyebrows and smooth them out. So who knows what her eyebrows will look like in the picture. Sigh. She's cute. I'm sure it will be fine.
• I am madly and passionately in love with my daughter. She is hands down the very best thing that has ever happened to me and she brings me a ridiculous amount of joy. But sometimes her wackadoodle parts are like mine with the volume turned up, mixed with being bolder and more opinionated than I EVER was at the age of six-almost-seven, so I sometimes feel like I'm being slapped in my face with ME. Another sigh. I wouldn't change a thing. But yes, this is the part where my mom is laughing. Because I did get a kid very much like myself. But way, way better.
• I really do love my kid more than life itself. And usually life with her is very easy.
• Do you know what is NOT easy? Anything that has to do with me and boys, it seems (insert your favorite joke about being "easy" here).
• According to Facebook, I really am the only person in the Bay Area who missed the Endeavour flyover. Sheesh.
• I read a blog post today that made me cry. It was so good. Klonnie, you're hecka awesome, and a huge part of why I've managed to blog three days in a row.
• Crap. My head is empty and so is my coffee cup so I guess I need to do those f#$king dishes now.

You're Doing It Wrong!

So the other day my BMSF (Beer Mayonnaise Sister Friend), Jean (who I'm supposed to be calling Jeannie, but I'll work on that), posted this picture on Facebook which she captioned "Hey asshole on the scooter - you're doing it wrong."

Asshole parking his (why it gotta be a guy, the men are asking) scooter wrong

Jean rides a scooter, so she knows what's she is talking about. Meanwhile, I would have no clue that this guy was doing it wrong.

So I was like, "you're doing it wrong," I love that and it's from a movie and I've said it a million times and I totally blanked on the movie from whence it came. Thank goodness for the Internet, that place where you can find like, EVERYTHING. Well, almost everything. It's a quote from Mr. Mom, a classic from 1983, that I am pretty sure I watched eight million times back in the day when it was on cable. If you have never seen this movie I will ask you, why, what is wrong with you? And then tell you to watch it because it is great. It also has one of my other favorite movie lines, "You fed the baby CHILI?! You crazy? You don't feed a baby CHILI!!" You'd be surprised how often you can use that, even if there is no chili involved. But today we are focused on that great line, "you're doing it wrong." For your viewing pleasure, here is a clip:

"You're doing it wrong."

The conversation with Jack and his kid and Annette the crossing guard lady, it's like my daily conversation with the parts of me that actually want to lose weight and be all healthy. I feel sorry for them having to talk to me, as I am constantly doing it wrong. Because I do know how to do it. I just do it wrong. A lot. I will riff on the dialogue and show you how this goes:

"You're Doing It Wrong," a short skit that takes place inside the confusing jumble of overgrown weeds known as "Jen's Brain," featuring three characters, Jen, Healthier Jen, Thinner Jen, and Fed-Up Jen, who we will call J, HJ, TJ, F-UJ, since the author is lazy. (Tee hee, I said "F-U.")

TJ: Jen, you ate that whole burrito that was as big as your head.

J: Ate what, I don't know what you're talking about.

TJ: But this isn't the way fit and trim folks roll.

J: I'm doing it the Jen Moore-Skallerud method.

(J feels the bloated awfulness that always comes after a ridiculous amount of over-indulging.)

J: What is this god-awful feeling? Ugh, my gut. This is nuts. Why do I feel like CRAP????

TJ: Because YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

J: Don't tell me I'm doing it wrong, I know how to do this.

(HJ walks into J's brain.)

HJ: Hi Jen, I'm Healthy Jen.

J: Hi.

HJ: You're doing it wrong.

TJ: SEE?

HJ: This is what I tell all the people who are trying to be less fat and more healthy. We eat less, and we exercise more. And then we repeat. That way we don't feel like such crap and we get to wear cuter clothes and maybe even stick around longer to drive our kids crazy.

(J nods, taking it in.)

HJ: Okay, move it out, and remember, eat less, exercise more!

J: Eat less, exercise more, okay, that's a good system.

F-UJ: PUT DOWN THE FORK, MORON!!

Yes, it really is a good system! And when I do it, it really works. But I just keep doing it wrong for reasons that seem right at the time. No, not really. Not even at the time I'm eating a burrito the size of my head. But at the time, I'm like Jack Butler, and I'm like screw it, we'll do it my way. And I think the Jen Moore-Skallerud Method has been like the Control Data Institute commercial from back in the day, when the dude is saying he will start trying to find a career... tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow... and it like echoes? I think that is what goes on with me. Probably that guy was thinking, "Today I'm gonna watch daytime TV and get stoned, TOMORROW I'm gonna apply at Control Data Institute and get started on my path to a CAREER!" And I'm thinking today I'll eat EVERYTHING, and then tomorrow, not so much.

And those of you who know me or have read the many posts I've done about the same thing know that I have "issues," like being a compulsive over-eater and an emotional eater and junk like that, and yes, I've got some super sad stuff going on, stuff that makes me all, "if this is my last day on Earth I wanna live it up, yo!" Which.... is good way to be, but not if NOT taking off some of this weight makes me sad on top of that sadness, right?

So... how is today going to go? Maybe better than yesterday since I wrote this. Here's to doing it less wrong today.

My Cat Makes Me Wanna Break S$%t

Really, he does.

Right now he is doing his current crazy thing, which is to sit on the bathroom counter. Why? I have no idea. I am in the office and I can hear that something just fell off the counter and since I don't have ghosts (well, I kinda have had one or may still have one [which is a whole other story] but never one that sat on the bathroom counter and pushed stuff off) and I'm the only one in the house, it's gotta be Chief. But let me go verify this... 

Yep, he was sitting on the counter. But he saw me walk to the kitchen (I needed more coffee), so he hopped down and followed me. Why? I have no idea. I fed him an hour ago. There was no need to follow me, but this is what he does.

When I'm getting ready to take Kayla to school in the morning, he likes to walk RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, either nearly tripping me or causing me to step on him. When I step on him he gets very perturbed and I not-so-gently or quietly explain to him that had he not been walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, perhaps I would not have stepped on him. Usually, this explanation, in addition to being somewhat loud, contains several bad words, none of which I will write here, but I'm sure you can imagine.

He has a penchant for wanting to be let out. And then back in. And then out again. Or, if you let him in the back door, thirty seconds later when someone comes through the front door, he dashes out as if you've been holding him hostage for months.

My cat is one crazy a#$ motherf$%ker.

Chief wearing Kayla's nightgown

I don't think he has always been this nuts, but he's old, as my mom always reminds me. She told me today that getting mad at him is like elder abuse. I'm not sure exactly how old he is and I only know he showed up at our door on Corte Arango in El Sob #1 in 1998 or 1999. Like a long time ago.

Also, he has no teeth.

Chief back when he had one tooth

He had one tooth for a really long time. Like, years. But just last week I came home from work and my ex-husband goes, "Hey, Chief lost his tooth." The tooth is MIA. It would have been nice to find it and, as Mom said, put it under a pillow for the Kitty Tooth Fairy, or at least bury it and have a little ceremony, but I am thinking it will not turn up. It probably fell out when he was rolling around in some weeds, one of his favorite things to do, so that he can come home with little burs and weeds stuck to him which fall off in the just the right place for me to step on them.

Anyway, I am thinking that if I had no teeth I'd be kinda crazy and grouchy all the time, so I do try to cut him some slack. I love him very much, he is my Chiefypoo and my kid is absolutely nuts about him. However, he really does make me want to break s$%t.